


Different doesn’t mean wrong

by Dorthea



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Autism, Autism Spectrum, Autistic Peter, Autistic Peter Parker, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Spoilers, Awesome May Parker (Spider-Man), Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, Dead May Parker (Spider-Man), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mentioned Ben Parker, Minor Character Death, Parent Tony Stark, Past Rape/Non-con, Peter Parker Gets a Hug, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter Parker Whump, Peter Parker is a Mess, Protective May Parker (Spider-Man), Suicidal Peter Parker, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Supportive May Parker (Spider-Man), Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Has A Heart, With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-16
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-24 21:27:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30078570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dorthea/pseuds/Dorthea
Summary: Peter is sixteens years old and five days, when he gets his official autism diagnosis. Asperger’s.That day, Peter’s life gets explained with one word. And it fits so, so well. The fills in the blanks. It explains the things Peter hadn’t been able to explain before. It makes sense.It’s like a weight is lifted of his shoulders, because now he knows. He knows why he feels different. Why he’s different. What it means to be different.Waiting for the subway, sitting next to May on the bench in the sun, eating lunch, he tells her. “You can’t tell him, May. You can’t tell him”.“Tell whom?” May asks with a confused look on her face.“You can’t tell Mr. Stark about this. He doesn’t… he doesn’t need to know. Not yet. Not yet”.May doesn’t tell anyone.In a world where Peter Parker is autistic. (Kind of fix-it).
Relationships: Ben Parker & Peter Parker, May Parker (Spider-Man) & Peter Parker, Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Comments: 23
Kudos: 188





	Different doesn’t mean wrong

**Author's Note:**

> I've attempted to write this a lot of times. It's a story, that... that means a lot to me. It's a story I needed to get out. And if it's Peter's story, or if it's mine, I'm not sure I can really tell you. It's both, I suppose. It's both.  
> There's not a lot of conversation... I tried, but it doesn't fit the story well. It doesn't fit, and work. At least not in this type of way. I'm sorry... I'm sorry it isn't good enough. I'm sorry, it's wrong. It different... but... that's okay too sometimes, right? To be different, I mean.

Peter Parker is three years old when the first sighs present themselves.  
  
He doesn’t remember much from that time, but it’s before the plane crash. It’s before his parents are ripped out of his life, by a business trip gone wrong. Back when he lived in the small house, as the edge of queens. A large backyard with swings and a large tub a sand. His bedroom on the first floor, right next to his parents. Large Lego’s all over the floor, his parents almost falling over them as he’s put to bed at night.  
  
He doesn’t remember much from that time, but he does remember his dad’s contact wish for him to be normal. Normal. That’s a word Peter remembers hearing a lot.  
  
He doesn’t remember all that much, and what he does remember… he doesn’t understand.  
  
If he could have, maybe he would have asked. Why can’t he place his toys in neat roves, sorted by color, through the hallway from his bedroom and all the way to the bathroom. Why, they constantly tell him off when he rocks back and forth, as he sits and draws on the living room floor as his parents watch the TV. And why they always tell him to stop flapping his hands when them out in public. There’s a lot of why’s that Peter has build up over the years.  
  
He clearly remembers the speech therapist. A young, slightly darker skinned woman, with a soft smile and happy eyes. Remembers stumbling over the words as they would go over pictures.  
  
On one of the pictures there’s a yellow boat. ‘A boat’ the woman asks, Peter remembers. He nods. It is indeed a boat, the woman sighs with exhaustion as she shakes her head and tells Peter it’s a ship. Peter keeps saying boat. Boat isn’t correct. Boat never is.  
  
He remembers them taking him to a doctor. A pair of way to big headphones placed over his ears, as he’s told to listen. Told to press that button when you hear something on your right ear. And that button when you hear something to your left.  
  
He get’s a balloon and a piece of gum when their done. He’s never had gum before, but his mom helps him open the packet and tells Peter not to swallow it.  
  
In the car ride home, while chewing on the sweat cherry gum Peter says ‘ship’ for the first time. His parents shoulder slacks a little as they sink into the car seats, letting got of a breath Peter doesn’t remember them holding. But they must have. Right?  
  
At home his dad blows up the balloon. They play with it as a ball in the living room until dinner.  
  
He doesn’t remember how the balloon pops, or when exactly it does. But he remembers the deafening sound, as he in panic pulls his hands over his ears and hides in the corner of his room. Sobbing quietly as his parents shout loudly downstairs.  
  
They argue often, Peter remembers. Argue about him and his issues.  
  
Why couldn’t Peter just be normal?

***

Peter Parker is four years old - almost five - when his parents hold his first real birthday party.  
  
All the boys from his kindergarten are invited for cake and soda on a Saturday afternoon, some time during early August. Just a week before Peter turns five. They all show up, holding their parents’ hand as they walk through the house and into the yard. The table is set with flags and single use plants and plastic cups.  
  
It’s all decorated with green dinosaurs and red dragons. ‘that’s what boys your age are supposed to love’ his dad tells him ‘that’s what’s normal’.  
  
Peter, who doesn’t really know that boys’ watches from a distance. He’s never really talked to them or played with them. He prefers the silence and freedom of being along when he’s as the kindergarten. The boys run around playing football in the garden, in the middle of the baking hot sun for hours. Stumbling over their own too feet every so often, and one is forced to leave early as he fells on his arm in a weird way. His cries echoes through whole the neighborhood. And while Peter is only four - almost five - years old, he knows that blue skin and the swelling around his elbow means the bone is broken. He doesn’t say that to anyone though. The boy shows up with his arm rapped in a blue cast the following Monday, smiling, and laughing.  
  
The vanilla cake is shapes like Lightning McQueen, covered in red, overly sweat fondant. A large 95 on its side. And Peter is sure it must have expensive. With it, they each get a large cup of green soda, that looks more like slime than liquid.  
  
Before the day ends, a piece of Peter is forced into Peter’s hands and his parents insists that Peter should lead the treasure hunt. The boys look at him expectingly as Peter stammers through the sentences written on the paper. And it almost, feels like he can’t breathe.  
  
The boys shout with excitement when they do find the tressure hidden in the old bridge tree. As everyone runs around with their own new hot-wheels cars and laughs.  
  
Peter doesn’t say it then, but he’s relieved as the boys goes home. As he can finally hide away in his bedroom with that mew book about stars that he’s gotten from May and Ben. His aunt and uncle. The racecar set from his parents all forgotten in the living room, box untouched.  
  
Peter doesn’t like dinosaurs or dragons; he prefers stars and planets. He doesn’t know how to play football; he prefers to build with Lego anyways. He doesn’t like vanilla cake, it’s mushy and way to soft, the sweat fondant almost making him gag as he forces it down because he doesn’t want to disappoint his parents. They ask him to be normal… and Peter does try.  
  
On Monday Peter can’t find it in himself to feel bad to the boy with the broken arm. He’s quite glad the attention isn’t on him that day. He’s not sure he really like being in the center.

***

Peter Parker is five years old when his parents drop him off at Uncle Ben and Aunt May’s apartment somewhere in Queens. A promise that they’ll be back to pick him up soon enough isn’t kept, and before Peter knows it he’s dressed in a black shirt and new jeans as two large caskets are carried through the church.  
  
Uncle Ben’s hands securely held over Peter ears as the music in the church makes him panic.  
  
Peter Parker if five years old when he wonders, if his parents would have stayed if he was a little more normal. If he was a bit more, like the other kids.

***

Peter Parker is seven years old when he makes his first real friend. Steven Wescott.  
  
Steven Wescott is 15 years old, goes by Skip on a day to day basic, and lives in the apartment right across the hall from Peter. Yet, the first time they meet is in the library.  
  
Ben had taken him down there, the first week of summer break. He’s aimlessly running through the large bookshelves looking for nothing and everything all at once, while Peter sits in his own world as the old wooden table. Rocking back and forth in a repetitive motion, the book about cells and plants and bacteria securely held between his fingers, as his eyes scanned the page for information laying it aside for later use.  
  
Skip sits down next to him with a grin, calls him Einstein and tells him that he doesn’t understand a word that’s written in that book. It makes Peter feel special in a really good way.  
  
From that moment is Skip and Peter against the whole world, together.  
  
When May and Ben both needs to work, Skip comes by to watch him. Maybe Peter should argue he doesn’t need a babysitter, he’s seven years old, he doesn’t need it. But Skip and he has fun together, until Ben comes home to cook dinner.  
  
They watch movies on the couch, Mulan, Tarzan and other Disney movies are great. But sometimes, when they have a bit more time Peter mange to make Skip put on Star Wars. Because Peter loves that more than anything. Watching the jedi fight with lightsabers, flying through the sky. And sometimes, he’ll run to his bedroom to fetch his own toy saber and he’ll fight against Skip as they act out the scenes of the movies in the small apartment.  
  
Skip makes them lunch when he comes by too. Grilled chess is a classic, and Peter eats it with a smile. Emptying the glass of water so quickly that he gets hiccups.  
  
Peter Parker is seven years old when he goes to Skip, instead of Skip coming to him.  
  
They sit in Skip’s apartment the week where Skip’s parents are traveling, And Peter gets a bad feeling in his stomach.  
  
“Wanna play a game with me Einstein?” Skip’s voice is so friendly, so normal “I promise it will be real fun. It’s something people who cares about each other do all the time, and you care about me, right Peter?”. The young boy had nodded up and down quickly. “You just need to promise you won’t tell anyone, ever. It’s just between you” Skip points to Peter “and I” he points to himself.  
  
“I promise” Peter says as confidently as a seven-year-old can.  
  
And that’s how it starts. A promise of not telling anyone. A promise to keep quiet.  
  
Skip pulls a box out from under his bed filled with magazine’s that he tells Peter is just for grown up’s. He says he thinks Peter will enjoy it, that Peter is smart enough to understand it even if it isn’t a grown up yet. But isn’t sure he really does.  
  
At some point it goes from pictures to reenacting. “Come on, Einstein” Skip pounds in a way only kids would, “It’s just like when we play pretend to your Star Wars movies”.  
  
Peter doesn’t like it when Skip forces him onto the bed and pulls down his pants. He doesn’t like Skips fingers running over his sensitive skin, as he feels like it burns under Skip’s touch. The blanket under them scratching against Peter’s back, making him with to rock back and forth crying like a little boy. Making him panic and scared as he can’t filter the noises Skip makes out.  
  
As Skip get’s braver it happens in Peter’s apartment too. When Ben and May are working late.  
  
He begs them to stay halfway through the summer break, tells them he doesn’t like Skip. But they leave anyways. And Peter wonders, if this is how normal kids play. If this is normal. Is he normal now? Is that what this is? If so, he doesn’t want to be normal anymore.  
  
Ben catches the act one day when he comes home earlier than expected. Peter never sees Skip again. He’s just held close in May’s arms, as Ben talks to someone on the phone.  
  
“I though he was my friend” Peter sobs in his aunts’ shoulder, “I thought… I thought I could trust him. I thought… I thought… I thought, maybe now I was normal… I’m a freak”.  
  
He takes a long shower that night.  
  
He takes a lot of long, burning hot showers, for a long time.

***

Peter Parker is eight years old when Tony Stark returns home from Afghanistan, having been imprisoned in a cave for 3 months. Peter is eight years old, when Mr. Stark looks into the camera and says, ‘I am Iron man’.  
  
That the beginning of a world filled with superheroes and super villains that Peter gets to grow up with. It gets him through the bad days knowing that they’re out there, protecting People in need.

***

Peter Parker is nine years old when he makes his first, friend. Ned Leeds.  
  
He sits on the chair next to Peter that had been empty most of third grade, when Peter enters the classroom as the start of fourth grade. Ned Leeds is ten years old and talks with a thick accent.  
  
They both like to build with Lego, Ned tells him proudly about his newest Lego build at home. They both enjoy Star Wars more than most, and soon enough their in a deep discussion about where the original trilogy or the prequels are best. The original trilogy wins by a long shot. And they both love science, Tony Stark and Iron man. They both dream of becoming heroes one day on their own. They imagen what each other’s powers might be.  
  
Ned claims he’d probably be like the Hulk, a green gamma monster. Peter’s pretty sure he’s heard about that accident at some point. Ned also thinks Peter would do well as a spider. And one day, when they least expect it, that will become reality. How ironic.  
  
But possibly most importantly, neither of them has any friends. Ned, because he only just got there. And Peter because he’s different. Always had been, always would be.  
  
“We’ll be friends then” Ned had exclaimed when Peter had told him.  
  
Peter had nodded and smiles, repeating Ned’s words, hoping they would be true. “We’ll be friends then” he agreed.  
  
Friends is a big word, that Peter isn’t sure he can really use about Ned. At least not yet. But with time, that will probably be true. With time, maybe Ned can show him to be normal.  
  
When Peter tells Aunt May about his new friend, she’s understandably a little held back. Ned isn’t allowed how at first, May says it’s too early, wait a bit. See if it is actually a friendship. When May finally agrees for Ned to come over, and her and Mrs. Leeds set up a playdate for them, Ben stays with them, watching over them at they somehow build a whole Lego set in less than an hour.  
  
Peter is nine when he first hears the words ‘special interest’. It’s said to me, in correlation with himself as he and Ned plays on the playground. “He’s a smart kid anyways” he remembers her saying “It really wouldn’t matter. It won’t change anything”.  
  
Peter doesn’t understand those words at the time. Some day he will.  
  
But for now, he plays with his new best friend, as they swing back and forth on the swings. Pretending that their flying out into space together, exploring every star and every planet. Just like he might have done alone, just like he might have done with Ben and May, but this time he’s got a friend. Their doing it together. That bring a rush in Peter stomach, as he wonders. Is he normal now? Has he changed at all?

***

Peter Parker is ten years old, Ned Leeds is eleven, when Ned’s parents take them to the expo.  
  
He’s bouncing up and down with excitement, flapping his hands in the air as he and Ned runs around to look at everything. Ned’s parents hot on their heels.  
  
Mr. Leeds is carrying Peter’s new Iron man helmet; he’s got it signed one of the earlier nights. Tony Stark smiling at him with a bright press smile. And Peter’s world and goals in life is fulfilled. This is more than he could ever ask for.  
  
And then the attack happens, the loud noises make Peter panic. It makes him scared and terrified, because he can’t filter it. Can’t make out the different between panicked footsteps and screams, and the sound of guns and electromagnetic blasts. But he does know the tag in his shirt is scratching annoyingly against his skin, and he can’t do anything about it.  
  
Before Peter knows it Mrs. Mr. and Ned Leeds are gone in the crowed. And Peter can smell the burning fire, he can smell the gunpowder, and it makes he want to throw up.  
  
Before he knows it, he’s outside. Somebody calling his name in the distance… or… is that? Is that just a trick with the sound? He doesn’t know, he isn’t sure. And then, then there’s the robot. And Peter can’t really see, because of the blinding light from the react in it’s chest. And Peter knows, despite only being 10 years old, that this is how he will die. Nerdying out at the convention from his favorite superhero. This his how he’ll die. The cold wind his hair.  
  
But he lifts his glow, the fact glove he and Ned created together. And he pretends for a moment he can be a hero like Mr. Stark.  
  
The light comes from behind. The sound is loud and scary, but he doesn’t mind.  
  
Iron man looks down at him, from high above. “Good work kid”.

***

Peter Parker is eleven years old when he realizes that he is different.  
  
Different can be a lot of things, that Peter knows. Some people are different because they can do things, that other people can’t. Iron man, a literary superhero comes to mind. He’s different, that Peter knows for sure. That’s a fact. A statement. Even if nobody else has realized it yet.  
  
But different doesn’t just mean, special. It’s means your not the same as another or each other; unlike the nature, form, or quality. Or it means that something or someone is distinct or separate. At least, that’s the answer google gives him when he searches ‘Different meaning’ on Ben’s computer one day after school, when he should be doing homework.  
  
There’s also a long list of different words with the same meaning. Some of them, Peter already knows. Dissimilar, unalike, unlike, non-identical, individual, unrelated. And some of the, Peter doesn’t know, contrasting, divergent. It doesn’t matter, he learns the list forward and backwards. Repeating those words over and over in his head, as at some point he must has started doing it out loud, cause Ben comments on it with a awkward smile. Asks him why he keeps repeating that.  
  
Peter just shrugs. It’s like when Ben asks why he flaps his hands, he why he can’t look into the eyes of Ned’s parents, or why he becomes quiet sometimes, or why he doesn’t like loud noises.  
  
Peter just shrugs, because he doesn’t know. And Ben nods, and Ben doesn’t tell him to stop.  
  
Peter is grateful for that.  
  
Different means a lot of things. For Peter it means… well Peter isn’t actually sure what it means for him specifically. Because he isn’t sure exactly how he’s different.  
  
He knows, that sometimes when the boys at school talks, Peter doesn’t understand them. It’s like their talking a different language that Peter doesn’t understand. Ned does too, sometimes. It’s on those days Peter knows he’s different. On the days where he misses another joke. It makes him feel like an alien. Alienated. Like he’s from a different planet when the social rules are different.  
  
Maybe, being an alien explains why looking into people’s eyes burn. And why he makes it feel like he’s about to die. His heart beating fast in his chest with hard pounds.  
  
Maybe it explains why he in all his cloths needs May to cut the tags out, so they don’t rest against his skin. Or why he doesn’t like hugs, he mays strong perfume. Or the clicking of her high heels against the kitchen floor when they need to go to a party.  
  
Maybe it explains why Peter, during said Party, hides in the bathroom for hours.  
  
Peter isn’t like anybody else that he knows. Peter is different. Peter isn’t normal.  
  
Peter can’t be normal.  
  
No matter how hard he tries to be.  
  
Maybe that’s what different means to Peter. In the deep, darkness of night, when he can’t sleep because his brain is running a mile a minute. Maybe that’s what different means to him.  
  
He wonders if anybody else feels the same way sometimes. Like they don’t fit in, like they don’t belong, like their from a different planet.  
  
He never actually asks anyone.  
  
He’s scared of the answer…  
  
What if somethings wrong with him?  
  
And when Peter thinks wrong, he doesn’t mean the Asthma that been bothering him since as long as he can remember. He means… actually wrong.  
  
Maybe that’s why he can’t be normal. Because somethings wrong.  
  
Because he’s sicks.  
  
What that realizations Peter stops going to birthday parties. He stopped holding his own when he moves in with May and Ben. Nobody set up questions marks about it.  
  
Peter takes that as a sign of understanding. Of acceptance from Aunt May and Uncle Ben.

***

Peter Parker is twelve years old when New York is attacked by aliens.  
  
Ben pushes Peter and May into the front seat of a car and tells them to get out of the city. Tells them to drive and never looks back, before he jumps into the cop car with one of his colleagues.  
  
May turns the radio up loud, and drives.  
  
Peter places his earphones deep into his ear canal and turns up his music higher than he should. Hoping to drown out the worst of the noise from the hectic battle. As he rocks back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth. Repeatedly.

***

Peter Parker is thirteen years old when he gets the acceptance letter into Midtown high, school of science and technology. Ned is accepted too. They celebrate with ice cream and sandwiches together, all of them. Ben and May for Peter, and Mrs. and Mr. Leeds for Ned.  
  
It’s the first and probably only time Peter will ever enjoy being the center of attention.

***

Peter Parker is fourteen years old when he walks into Midtown high for the first time.  
  
It’s two days after he’s turns fourteen, his new backpack with Star Ward badges on the front pocket is slung over his shoulder as he walks side by side with Ned towards the next four years of their lives.  
  
Together they join decathlon. Liz, a senior and therefor on her fourth year, is the captain of the team. She greets them both with a large smile and Peter can feel his cheeks get red with heat. At the time he doesn’t understand the emotion, it’s new and weird. Kinda like the smile Peter sends back to Liz that makes her giggle. Peter doesn’t usually smile a lot. He does around Liz.  
  
It’s at decathlon, the first meeting they have, later that week that Peter for the first time hears about Savant Syndrome. He doesn’t know that applies to him, yet.  
  
He’s fourteens years old when the team win’s their first competition. Peter can’t breathe in the hot spotlight, as he feels sweaty and dizzy, but he manages to answer a few things anyways. And because they win, they get to go on a field trip. A tour of Oscorp.  
  
It’s at the trip he really get’s to know what Parker luck really is. Because Peter is fourteen years old when he’s bitten by a radioactive spider, and get’s sicker than he’s ever been before.  
  
The week goes by in a blurry mess. And when Peter opens his eyes one morning, finally feeling better, the light that shine through the windows blinds him. And the sound of May walking around outside his door echoes loudly, very loudly inside his head. Like a gunshot that keeps going, and keeps going.  
  
If Peter weren’t different before, he differently is now.  
  
His jeans seem to be too small, his to shirt sits a little tighter, showing of his newly grown six pack through the shirt. Even with his hoodie on, out over you can see Peter has changed. He no longer needs his glasses, and he can stick to stuff… that’s… that’s not something Peter can explain.  
  
In reality he probably can. He’s enhanced now, not a mutant, he doesn’t have the x-gen. And not an inhuman, that doesn’t fit him either. He’s a mutate.  
  
He remembers reading about that in one of Doctor Banner’s papers. In it, it was both called a mutate, altered human or non-mutant variant. Depending on what the person preferred. And it means that he had been somehow genetically mutated in order to attain his superhuman abilities.  
  
He’s smart enough not to tell anyone about his new powers. May and Ben doesn’t notice his physical change either. So that’s at least something.

***

Peter Parker is also, fourteen years old when his uncle Ben is shot in the street by a mugger.  
  
Peter holds him as he bleeds out in his arms, sobbing and praying that Ben will make it. Someone calls an ambulance, but it’s too late. Too little time. Not enough to make a difference. And Peter blames himself as the light in Ben’s eyes slips away.  
  
“With great powers comes great responsibility”.

***

Peter if fourteen years old when he goes mute for the first time. Unable to force out a single sound. Google calls it selective mutism. It’s during his research in that he for the first time hears the word autism, or Asperger’s syndrome.  
  
He briefly wonders if that fits on him. If that could explain why he’s different.  
  
He brushes the though away almost as soon as it pops up.

***

Peter Parker if fourteen years old when he first goes out as Spider-man.  
  
The suit is nothing more than a red hoodie, and blue sweatpants. A mask over his head, with googles nobody else can see through. But Peter can, because his sense is dilled to eleven.  
  
He says eleven, in reality it’s probably more like twenty. Peter remembers too many times as a kid, where the world has been overwhelming. When Ben and May had realized they’d bought him a pair of earmuffs that had closed off the world around him. Back then, Peter had for the first-time experience complete silence. That had been a great feeling as he hid under the covers in his bed. Waiting for his other senses to calm down as well.  
  
With his new enhancements the earmuffs doesn’t help.  
  
The sensory overloads become more frequent, more powerful. When he tells May she says it’s probably stress. He stays home from school for a week, and when he returns May has arranged for him to talk with the school psychologist. They talk about that night with Ben.  
  
After school, Peter goes out. He swings through the city from a thin strand of Webbing he’s created in the drawer during chemistry. He shots it out with his new mechanical web shooters, the clasp around his wrist with a reassuring weight. And as he swings up there, high in the sky, he realizes that it’s like rocking back and forth. Just freer, because nobody judges him.  
  
He finds Ned’s guess ironic now, as he stops a mugger.  
  
He helps a cat out of a tree, he gives the old lady directions, and he stops somebody from stealing a bike. He leaves a note, despite knowing that the owner likely won’t ever find it.  
  
He’s a hero now, a real superhero.  
  
He does flips in the air, as he drops towards the ground, nothing but his webs to save himself.  
  
The adrenaline flows through his body, and Peter smiles more than ever before.  
  
In the mask, Peter on day realizes, that he can actually talk to people. Peter Parker, the young boy behind the mask can’t do that without being about to panic and run away. That’s just who he is. But as Spider-man it’s almost like, Peter Parker doesn’t exist. It’s not a conscious decision at first, the distinct personality change between the two. But when he realized that it’s happening, he learns to use it to his advantage.  
  
As Peter Parker he’s the bullied shy nerd he doesn’t speak up for himself. Even if he could. Even if he wanted too.  
  
As Spider-man he throws around jokes as he swings through the city, all the social rules he doesn’t understand applies. Analyzed down to the smallest detailed and place over his face like a second mask.  
  
Some day he’ll learn to do that as Peter Parker too.  
  
Is he normal now?  
  
Six months after his first swing through Queens, Tony Stark shows up at their apartment.  
  
“What’s your M.O? I gotta know, what get’s you out of that twin bed in the morning?” the older man asks, Peter’s door locked as they talk. The suit laid out in Mr. Starks lap.  
  
“When… when you can do the things that I can, but you don’t… and then the bad things happen… they happen because of you” becomes Peter’s answer. In reality he wants to say that with great powers comes great responsibility, guess that didn’t really work out. The awkwardness in Peter’s voice, the fear of saying the wrong thing clearly showing.  
  
Mr. Stark just nods “You’re looking out for the little guys?”.  
  
“Yeah” Peter nods frantically “Just… just looking out for… the little guys. That’s me”.  
  
He’s fourteen when Mr. Stark takes him to Berlin. He’s fourteen when he fights side by side with Iron man. He’s fourteen years old when he meets Captain America and steals his shield. He’s fourteen years old, when he falls to the ground during a fight, and doesn’t get back up.  
  
He’s fourteen years old, when Tony is just ‘opening the door for you’.

***

Peter Parker is fifteen when a teacher tells May Peter might be autistic. He’s fifteen, when he’s finally really seen for who he is.  
  
It takes a while before Peter can actually get tested and possibly diagnosed. It’s a waiting game, just like the game he plays with Happy. The thousands of unread messages that’s just sitting there on his phone. Peter waiting for something more, something that never comes.  
  
Then the vulture shows up, the night of Liz’s party, and Peter is somewhat grateful for the excuses to leave the party behind. Ned had insisted they’d go… Peter had been overwhelmed.  
  
The blue smoky mushroom formed shape stands in the sky, leading Peter in the right direction. No longer running around an old hoodie, but a skintight spandex suit that Mr. Stark has given him. And Peter runs towards danger like never before.  
  
The man with the wings catches him of guard. The water is freezing cold. But Iron man saves him.  
  
Mr. Stark tells him to stand down, stick to the neighborhood stuff. The small stuff. The little guys. That’s what Peter wanted, right? Looking out for the little guy. But Peter, he doesn’t listen. He wants to, but then they show up at his school, and there’s the trip to DC, and the elevator. And Peter can’t jus stand down and watch it all happen. Instead, he saves his team.  
  
One person at a time, their pulled out the elevator. Peter clinging to his webs like a lifeline.  
  
And then, the ferry happens. He figures out about the weapons deal, and he shows up. And he fights. That’s probably a mistake, but Peter won’t realize that at first.  
  
“Great job in DC, Kid” Mr. Stark tells him over the phone. Half an hour later, he takes the suit away. He pulls the feet from under Peter’s body and doesn’t wait to see if he strikes the landing. He doesn’t, if you must know. He doesn’t have a chance to latch onto anything, or anyone. Instead he ends up sobbing in May’s arm as he repeats over and over ‘I lost the internship’.  
  
May tells him it’s okay, that Mr. Stark doesn’t know what he’s missing. What Peter is capable off. She tells him he needs to stop carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.  
  
And then, despite not being Spider-man, just being shy and awkward, possibly autistic Peter Parker, he invites Liz to homecoming.  
  
She says yes.  
  
She really says yes.  
  
Peter’s heart skips a beat. Is he normal now?  
  
He doesn’t think so.  
  
He shows up at her house that night, flowers in hand. And then… Liz’s father opens the door. He figures out Peter’s secret, he knows about Spider-man. He knows! And Peter leaves Liz on the dancefloor, with an apologetic look. And he runs. Runs for his life.  
  
He doesn’t expect the building to be dropped on top of him, but maybe he really needed that.  
  
And then Happy doesn’t pick up the phone, and the vulture get’s to the plane. And Peter does the only thing he can do. He fights. And the plane crashes across the sandy beach.  
  
Peter Parker is fifteen years old when he’s invited to Join the Avengers.  
  
He says no.  
  
It’s as shocking to Mr. Stark as it is to Peter himself. Because the Avengers had been his dream, hadn’t it? That’s what he wanted. To be seen as a hero, like Iron man, like the hulk, like black widow. He wanted to be more, do more.  
  
Instead, he sticks to what he knows. Just the idea of changing his routine and become an avenger makes Peter really scared. He knows his neighborhood. There’s a schedule set up, he knows where to go and when to do it. He knows that as well as his own back pocket. Probably better than his own back pocket. He doesn’t ever use his back pocket.  
  
Peter says no and sticks to the ground for a little while longer.  
  
The May finds out, because… of course that’s going to happen sooner or later. But, she takes it well compared to what Peter had expected. Or maybe, he just can’t read her. Maybe she’s screaming silently for him to stop, and he doesn’t hear it because she doesn’t tell him directly.  
  
He asks Mr. Stark about that, because he get’s a real internship with him. “Don’t worry Peter. May seems like a very direct person, if she didn’t accept that you go out swinging from building to building every night, she would tell you. I’m sure of it. I promise”.  
  
The testing starts a few weeks later. Peter doesn’t tell Mr. Stark. It’s just him and May.

***

Peter is sixteens years old and five days, when he gets his official autism diagnosis. Asperger’s.  
  
That day, Peter’s life gets explained with one word. And it fits so, so well. The fills in the blanks. It explains the things Peter hadn’t been able to explain before. It makes sense.  
  
It’s like a weight is lifted of his shoulders, because now he knows. He knows why he feels different. Why he’s different. What it means to be different. Sure, he makes him a little scared how other people might see him. He’s scared that people will judge him, purely based on that one word. He tells the psychologist that, he says that’s normal. Says a lot of kids feels the same way as he does.  
  
Waiting for the subway, sitting next to May on the bench in the sun, eating lunch, he tells her. “You can’t tell him, May. You can’t tell him”.  
  
“Tell whom?” May asks with a confused look on her face.  
  
“You can’t tell Mr. Stark about this. He doesn’t… he doesn’t need to know. Not yet. Not yet”.  
  
May doesn’t tell anyone.

***

Peter Parker is Seventeen years old when he dies.  
  
He’s in space, on a red desert planet. And they fought the purple giant with everything they had. But everything they had, wasn’t enough. Everything they had was never enough.  
  
The two aliens go first, barely realizing what’s going on. And Doctor Strange, the wizard goes next. His last words echo in his brain, It was the only way. Peter hopes Dr. Strange was right. Because Peter goes too. His body being pulled apart atom by atom, and it hurt. More painful than the gunshot to his stomach three months ago. More painful than the day he fell of the roof, from some apartment complex in Queens when he ran out of web fluid. It just hurt…  
  
If the pain hadn’t been there, maybe he would have thought up some amazing last words.  
  
‘When gone, the last of the jedis you will be’ might have been it, or maybe more simply he’d tell Mr. Stark that ‘May the force be with you’. He doesn’t.  
  
He clings to his mentors body, begging him to be saved. Begging him to help him. Make the pain go away. “Mr. I don’t wanna go. I don’t wanna go. Mr. Stark. I don’t wanna… don’t wanna go”. And he thinks about May, and the fact that he’s leaving her behind. He thinks about May, and hopes she’s okay. Hopes she’ll make it without him. Hopes that she accepts this. That she’ll live.  
  
Mr. Stark holds him close, helps him as he falls, his legs disappearing under him.  
  
He reassures him. “Its okay. You’re okay”. Peter knows that isn’t true. He knows that Mr. Stark is lying. But he’s glad he does. It gives a small hope in him. It shows that Tony cares.  
  
“I’m sorry” is the last words he says. “I’m sorry. Mr. Stark”. He doesn’t know what he’s sorry for. For dying maybe? But that doesn’t feel right. For not telling him, maybe. That might be it. Or maybe it’s a little bit for everything. Everything he couldn’t do, everything he could do. Everything that had happened since they first meet, and maybe everything before that.  
  
Maybe it isn’t as sorry to Mr. Stark at all. Maybe it’s a sorry to May.  
  
Peter doesn’t actually know.

***

When Peter comes back to life - five years later, mind you - he’s still seventeen.  
  
May is dead, not dusted, dead. Mr. Stark is married to Pepper Potts, or… Pepper Stark Peter thinks it might be now. There’s a young girl, with her father’s eyes and his brown hair, who looks at Peter and calls him big brother. Her name is Morgan Stark. He moves in with them at the lack house.  
  
Ned didn’t dust. He’s at MIT now, five years older than he used to be, six years older than Peter. Twenty-three. He has a girlfriend now, new friends, new hobbies.  
  
His class isn’t the same. Half of them used to be five years younger, half of them used to be dead.  
  
He doesn’t know what happened to MJ. She isn’t there. Betty still makes the school news; he watches as they play the memorial video in the hallway. Natasha, better knows as black widow, is dead. Vision is gone, broken, destroyed. Nothing but a lump of metal somewhere. Captain America, Steve’s rogers, are old now. Falcon takes on the old title. Things are different.  
  
Their different, not wrong, it’s all true. It’s all a fact. Its all stuff that has happened over the five years Peter was gone. Peter is the one who’s wrong, the one who shouldn’t be here, the one who was gone and dead, and broken into dust. And everything around him is right, exactly as it should be. It’s not wrong, it’s different.  
  
He doesn’t sit in the last row on the left of the classroom anymore, he sits front right. He doesn’t have math in the morning and chemistry after, he has chemistry after lunch and math Friday afternoon. Happy doesn’t pick Peter as school rings out, he picks him up half an hour later with Morgan in the backseat going home from kindergarten. They don’t stop at Mr. Delmer’s for sandwiches on the way to the compound, they stop at McDonalds to get cheeseburgers before going to the lack house. Peter new home, when Morgan has grown up.  
  
Peter isn’t the one to talk in the car about what he’s learned that day. Morgan talks non-stop about her new friends, and her new toys. And Peter can’t help but compare himself and his kindergarten time to Morgan’s. And then he knows, Morgan is Normal. Peter isn’t.  
  
The headache between his eyes goes from being a once in a while thing, to permanent. Like somebody had hit him in the face with a hammer.  
  
The rocking back and forth, the hand flapping, the humming to himself, stops being a thing he can control and stop. He does it, it needs it. And he adds to it. His legs bounce during class, watching the clock tick by.  
  
The texture of the canteen food makes Peter want to gag. The crowded room makes Peter want to run away. A part of him wants to disappear, cause his head can’t take it.  
  
He should be twenty-one, almost twenty-two, not seventeen. He should be in collage, not high school. And nothing is like it used to be. His life has been pulled apart, like string cheese. And Peter isn’t sure he can deal with it. Isn’t sure he can get through it.

***

Three months after Peter Parker is brought back to life, after being dead for five years, Peter gives up on life. He loses hope.  
  
He has a panic attack during class, a meltdown. Happy is called, Tony is called. Peter knows their coming, and Peter wish they wasn’t. He can’t stand to look into their eyes and tell them, that he is weak. Peter Parker is supposed to be a hero, but the mask is slipping from his grasp. He can’t smile, he can’t pretend to be excited anymore. It’s like the face he’s build up since he was a young child crumble. Dusts away like Peter once did too.  
  
Spider-man doesn’t show up after the blip. People thinks he’s dead. Soon he might be.  
  
Tony finds him on the roof on the tallest building in Brooklyn. Peter is as good as ready to jump. Let it be the last thing he does. Leave the world once and for all, no coming back this time.  
  
It’s not really what he wants. He wants to hugged close, and be told that isn’t okay. But he doesn’t know how to ask for that. How to ask for the help he desperately needs, as he desperately attempts to get air into his lungs, which is burning in the cold wind.  
  
It isn’t Peter life anymore. Not Peter’s routine. Not Peter’s home.  
  
His cloths from before the snap is gone, the new t-shirt smells weird. It doesn’t smell like May’s soap, or of Peter’s sweat. It smells… new. Clean. In a weird way. The tag in the back is still there, because Peter can’t get himself to remove it. Fear that Pepper might think it’s weird. He can feel her and Morgan’s judging looks when he repeats the same word over and over again. As he obsesses over the same movie, or the same topic over and over again. As he slams his head against the wall in a repetitive motion, over and over again. Stimming, it’s called. Stim for short. And means self-stimulation behaviors. But it doesn’t really help. Like the sunglasses doesn’t help because of his enhanced vision, and the earmuffs doesn’t help because of his super hearing. And Peter isn’t sure when it started, but it hasn’t stopped for weeks if not months. Because the overload has been there in forever. And Peter can’t breathe no more.  
  
“Pete, could you please step away from the edge” a quite worry is in Tony’s voice, a begging maybe. “Let’s talk about this, okay? Kiddo? I… I don’t know what wrong. I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s wrong. Let me help you, kid. I… please”.  
  
Peter looks down over the edge of the building. It isn’t that high, he’s been way higher as spider-man. Yet unlike normally, Peter is scared. Scared to step over the edge.  
  
The voice in his head tells him too. The voice that wants to get out of this. Wants everything to stop. And wants everything to be normal. Wants Peter to be normal. Even when he cannot.  
  
He shuffle a little closer, any normal person would have fallen by now, but Peter isn’t normal. But is sticky. Peter is different. Peter is… Peter is wrong. So damn wrong. Wrong. Wrong, wrong. So wrong. He’s wrong. Forever and ever wrong. Wrong…  
  
But Tony’s hand folds around his wrist like the web-shooters used to do. The heat against his skin makes Peter look back into Tony’s begging eyes. So filled with worry. And Peter let’s himself fall into his mentors’ eyes. Tony’s eyes folding around his sobbing and shaking body. And Peter tells him. Tells him everything.  
  
From the first signs that his parents wanted to hide, like he was some sort of freak. The birthday party that Peter didn’t want, the sensory issues and the diagnosis. He tells him everything.  
  
He let’s go of all the bed stuff, soaking in all the good stuff.  
  
All the memories.  
  
“I’m… I’m autistic. Mr. Stark” Peter stumbles over the words. “I’m autistic. I can’t… I can’t be normal… I can’t be… be what you want me to be. Can’t be like… like Morgan. I’m… I’m wrong Mr. Stark. I’m wrong. I’m broken, and weird… and different. I’m different. And different is wrong. Mr. Stark. You… you must see that”.  
  
“Your not wrong Peter” Tony says as he pushes him into Happy’s waiting car. “You’re different, and that’s okay. But your not wrong. You’re right. You’re you. And you are special. And that okay too” He keeps going as he runs his fingers through Peter’s hair. “And that okay too”.

***

Peter is eighteen years old, seven months, and six days when he sits down and writes his story. He combines it with the story of his favorite character… hoping to reach somebody else. Hoping to light up a small light in the darkness.  
  
Because different isn’t wrong. And Peter knows that now.  
  
He’s autistic. And that’s okay too. It doesn’t change who he is, or why he is like he is. It doesn’t mean he can’t be the perfect brother; he doesn’t mean he can’t be the perfect son. He just needs people to see him for who he is. And what he can do instead of what he can’t.  
  
With time, Spider-man returns. A newfound energy in his heart.  
  
He’s different, not wrong.  
  
And that’s okay too.

**Author's Note:**

> I think it's okay. Not perfect. Just okay.


End file.
